10 Dumb-Ass Dating Habits That Need To Stop
We all know the story
Boy approaches girl at annual Delta Sigma Theta waffle-making contest/boat ride. Girl, impressed with Boy’s uncanny resemblance to Derek Fisher, gives Boy her email address and Twitter handle. Boy and Girl connect through each other’s appreciation for ‘that’s what she said” jokes and squirters, and they decide to go to a movie and dinner. After a nice — not spectacular, but pleasant — date, Boy drops Girl off at her place, walks her to her door, and they exchange the type of hug that allows each to assess the other’s body (both were pleased) without it being too obvious. Boy drives off, and Girl enters the house, pleasantly surprised with how well the date went. It’s late, so Girl hops in the shower. When she gets out, she notices that her phone is vibrating. She checks it, and sees the following message from Boy: “I miss you soooooo much right now. I didn’t think it was possible to miss a woman like this. Well, a woman other than my momma.”
Girl immediately checks the time on her phone to make sure that she didn’t unknowingly fall into a coma for 6 weeks. When realizing that she hasn’t been unconscious for 6 weeks and that it’s only been 26 minutes since she last saw Boy, Girl immediately deletes Boy’s number, gets in bed, and fantasizes about Christina Hendricks while playing “Man Down” on her iPad.
The waaaay too soon “I miss you” text — sent to a person you haven’t even had the chance to freakin’ miss yet — is quite possibly one of the few things on Earth that’s disliked by all. No one enjoys receiving them, and no one wishes to be the person who gets clowned for sending one.
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Despite this unanimous disdain, if we’re smitten enough, many of us ignore the voice in our head telling us to settle the f*ck down, and we somehow still end up sending them. It’s almost as if we’re being controlled by a sadistic puppeteer hell-bent on sabotaging our potential sexing one cringe at a time.
Anyway, the “too soon to be missed I miss you text” is just one of the many dumb-ass dating actions and habits that we still practice, despite the fact that we’re completely aware of exactly how inefficient, insignificant, or just plain f*cking stupid it happens to be.
Here’s nine more.
2. The dry finger finger-pop
Outside of the two places where this is an acceptable act — 8th grade semi-formals and dimly-lit Q house parties — there’s never an instance where shoving an index finger up a chick’s whoo-ha is going to produce anything other than brushburns, wincing, and smelly fingernails. Yet, despite the fact that I know exactly how anti-sexy this is, whenever I see a bare vagina, I still get an uncontrollable urge to stick a thumb in it. Go figure.
3. The double date
Ok, raise your hands if you’ve ever been on a fun double date. If your hands are up, you’re probably either a baby boomer or vegan, and you surely must be lost. You’ll probably have more fun here.
If neither, you surely understand how the double date is exactly like masturbating on a plane — good in theory until some turbulence makes everyone around you awkward, angry, and sticky.
4. The first date dinner and a movie
A first date is supposed to be an opportunity to talk to and learn more about your perspective paramour, and sitting in a theater for 120 minutes kind of defeats this purpose. Also, since we’re in a recession and since it costs something like $149 to buy an IMAX ticket now, this is actually two dates in one.
With this being the case, if we’re going by input/output entitlement ratios (ie: ”if a woman accepts a drink from a man at a club, she has to spend at least 75 seconds talking to him”), “dinner and movie” should equal “definite anal sex.”
5. The unprompted dick pic
As New York State Rep. Weiner has proven, nothing good can come out of sending an unprompted pic of your johnson to a woman. Seriously, I’ve yet to hear one instance of a woman getting a handsome wang in her inbox and immediately calling the wang’s owner for a ride on his warthog.
(This, btw, doesn’t apply to men. Seriously, if we’re even moderately attracted to you, you can send a pic of your f*cking shoulder blade and it’ll still make a guy immediately write back “Gotdamn, you have some sexy-ass shoulder blades. Why don’t you come over and rub them on my face“)
6. The female to male hook-up
In the history of the recorded world, the “female to male” hook up — where a woman tells one of her guy friends that she knows a chick who’d be perfect for him — has never worked. Why, well women are completely and undeniably awful judges of what type of woman a man might find attractive. Seriously, not only do you all suck at this, the depths of your sucktitude are so legendary, astonishing, awe-inspiring, and brilliant that it has to be intentional.
Which it is.
7. The break
If the double date is like masturbating on a plane, the “break” — where a non-married couple agrees to some sort of half-assed separation from each other — is like exactly what happens when a guy having sex has to think about something unsexy in order to keep from climaxing. Maybe her grandma will help you, but it’s just delaying the inevitable.
Speaking of “breaks”…
8. The long-distance relationship.
Many are unaware of this, but ”longdistancerelationship” is actually Arabic for “you’re not in a relationship anymore, you f*cking idiot!”
9. The randomly arbitrary waiting period
The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that milk and vaginas are very similar.
Think about it: Both tend to have arbitrary waiting periods/expiration dates attached to them that no one actually pays any attention to. Both go good with chocolate syrup, both spoil if you leave them in the sun too long, and they both have a peculiar relationship with cats. #thingsthatmakeyougohmmm
10. The drunk dial
A close cousin of the too soon “I miss you” text, the drunk dial is probably the impetus behind like 45% of the cases in family and civil court.
Why do we continue to do it? Well, once in a blue moon you’ll actually get a person on the other line who’s willing to do everything you want to do to them at that hour. Just hope that your drunk ass is actually calling an ex or a crush instead of the soup kitchen you volunteer at on the weekends.